When a poster and a puppet love each other
by Suzuriin
Summary: Regina hasn't learnt the facts of life yet, and the Circus crew decide to get Max to explain. Crackfic for Phoenix Wright's Kinkmeme on LJ. Rated for mentions of what goes on during sexy time.


Like many other people, I have decided to post fics from the almighty **Phoenix Wright Kink Meme** of LJ. Since people seemed to like this, I've decided to re-post it here :D (Because Max abuse is fun)

The story came from this prompt: " Regina needs to learn about the facts of life. But with her father gone, it's up to the rest of the circus to tell her how.

So... the Berry Big Circus crew sit her down in the cafeteria and try to explain where babies come from. Hilarity follows".

Disclaimer: Phoenix Wright and these characters belongs to Capcom, and the plot belongs to the lovely anon who requested it. I just wrote the thing :D

* * *

"I refuse. I absolutely _refuse_ to take part in this!"

"Max. Her seventeenth birthday was two weeks ago, both her parents are dead, she still doesn't know about the birds and the bees…and we're the only family she has left"

"I don't care! You and that puppet freak can tell her! I will have no part in this!"

Moe glared at Max. He had no special trump cards under his sleave to convince him to help with this small crisis within the circus. The man was too bigheaded and stubborn to be budged even slightly.

Then, suddenly, an idea came.

"Imagine this, Max" Moe said, crossing his arms "You and Regina have been happily married, the ceremony and reception was lovely, all the guests have gone home, leaving you and Regina time to be alone in your bedroom. Now, since she'll never find out about the facts of life unless you help us tell it to her…"

Moe didn't even need to finish the sentence before Max cringed. He kept a straight face while Max let out a defeated sigh.

"Fine, whatever!" he cried, throwing his arms in the air dramatically "I'll help you guys tell her!" Moe smirked triumphantly and walked out of the Ringmaster's office.

"Then, we better round up Ben and Trilo…"

* * *

The tense atmosphere of the cafeteria was almost unbearable, for those who noticed it. Regina, who was seated upon a rickety cushioned stool, was smiling sweetly at the rest of the Berry Big Circus gathered around her. The rest of them seemed to be searching for words to start the unbearably awkward conversation to come. 

"Regina, sweetie, we have, er, something to tell you!" Max said at last, earning a quiet breath of relief from his comrades and an adoring smile from Regina. His heart melted so quickly it took a moment to process the next few words coming from her.

"Oh, really?" she said, clapping her hands together "What is it?" the girl looked like she was dying from anticipation.

"Well, it's a talk that everyone has to go through one day!" Moe said encouragingly "And Max has been dying you talk to you about it, you know!"

Max did have to wonder whether Moe and Ben were lying about this being for Regina's own good, and simply did it this way to make Max suffer. He was almost certain it was the former at this point.

"Okay, sweetie!" he said, clapping his hands together and smiling nervously, thinking of an impromptu 'birds and the bees' speech. He looked around the cafeteria, and spotted two items that'd make this ordeal slightly easier. He pulled the poster of a female magician friend of his, 'Aquaria Lucia', off the wall and swiftly grabbed the unused Trilo off of Ben. Ben held his hands up limply in protest, and once Max was in front of Regina once again, he returned to looking even more nervous and awkward than before.

"Now, Regina, when a woman…" Max started, holding up Aquaria Lucia "…and a man…" he held up Trilo "meet, sometimes they fall in love with each other!..."

Moe muttered "Oh my _god_ Max" under his breath, while Regina looked curiously at Max. "That's Trilo, though, Max! He's just a puppet!"

"Just pretend he's a man for the moment, sweetie…" Max said, his uneasy smile faltering for a moment "Anyway! When they love each other…and are married, of course! You must never do this when you're a minor!...they decide to show each other how much they love each other!" as Max explained this, he moved Aquaria Lucia and Trilo around to act out whatever he was talking about at the time.

Regina nodded at every few words, with a confused quirk of her eyebrows. Moe, however, anticipated the coming explanation with amusement. Ben just looked on, horrified on how Trilo was, and was going to, be treated.

"Now, when the man and woman don't want to have a baby, they use a form of protection called a condom! However, when they do want a darling little baby, they don't use the condom, and do…" Max hesitated, considering what to do next "_this_"

He lay Aquaria Lucia's poster on the table in front of the group, made a silent apology to his friend, and laid Trilo on top of her. Ben let out a whimper as Max, awkwardly, began manipulating the puppet into humping actions against the poster. He was considering adding sound effects when Regina piped up "Max, what exactly is Trilo doing to Lucia?..."

"Ah, that's a good question, sweetie!" Max said, laying the puppet down for a second, but not letting Ben rush in to save Trilo from the ordeal "Now, while this is happening, sperm from the male" he held up Trilo "is going from his…lovestick to the woman's…"

"Say the proper words, Max!" Moe sighed, a smirk quirking at his lips "It doesn't hurt to say 'penis', does it?" Max sent a glare at Moe, and continued.

"Yes, the sperm from the man's…penis is going into the woman's…vagina, and finds its way to the woman's egg, and then that egg, nine months later, turns into a baby!" Max said, finishing his speech up. His hands were placed on his hips as he smiled even more awkwardly than before. Ben took this opportunity to grab Trilo, who was lying on the table, and clench him tightly behind his back. Otherwise, the room was silent and still, processing Max's speech in their head. Finally, Moe spoke up

"Max, that was bullshit" Moe sighed, standing up "We're renting a Sex Ed DVD, no question"


End file.
